Focusing on Your Children
Ask any divorced couple with children about the most painful part of their divorce, and nine out of ten, will tell you with tears welling up in their eyes, that divorce with children brings up and triggers many feelings of fear, abandonment, and loss.
The Solace Divorce Mediation process is a powerful tool to reframe negative thoughts by replacing them with loving intentions of how you and your family can come out of this experience in a holistic way. An example: I know I am scared right now about our future, even so, I know we will all see the best in each other and love each other even more.
When there are children involved in a divorce the entire focus of the process must be on the betterment of the children and your family as a whole. Your divorce does not have break the family bond. Even after the dust settles from the divorce, you are all still a family, just a different family than you were before.
You may not be living in the same home, regardless, you are still a family, and you and your spouse will be co-parenting until the day one of you dies.
You can reframe divorce as a path you chose for a period of time to love and discover so much about yourself and the people that came along in your journey. It is one of many things that you are going to go through in your life. You can choose to allow it to destroy you: financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually; or, you can choose to allow it to help you grow, learn and heal. It is also a choice as to how you want the divorce to affect your children. It can be a negative for your children, or a positive for your children to see both parents growing and thriving in their new life, and being respectful, supportive and kind to each other. It is your choice.
Focus on what you want your co-parenting relationship and experience for the children to be, not on what you do not want it to be.
Create your intentions to reflect an ideal co-parenting relationship for all involved. You will attract into your co-parenting relationship all that you focus on, so focus on what you want it to be.
The stigma attached with divorce for parents is severe, extreme and terrifying. There is a tremendous amount of narrative focused on the concept that children that grow up in households where their parents stay married are better adjusted and have better lives than those who do not. Let’s transform that narrative to focus on the immense support and love that children of divorce receive when both of their parents are emotionally healthy and supportive and living their best lives.
When you and your spouse are happy, you can move on to relationships more aligned with your life’s vision. You will be happier allowing your children to do the same. When that happens, your children will have four people who love and support them more than anything. And four is double two... how can that be worse for children?
Intentions Come Alive
Write a new story. When setting an intention for your children, think deeply about the following questions. It may also help for you to write your answers to these questions down.
- What type of life do you wish for your children?
- What type of co-parenting childhood do you want your children to have?
- How do you want your children to feel when both of their parents are in the same space? How do you want them to see you and your fellow co-parent interacting?
- What are some of your favorite things to do together as a family that you would like to continue doing after the divorce? (Since you are still a family, just a different family).
- What type of co-parenting relationship do you want to have?
- How do you want to feel every time you see your co-parent moving forward?
- Significant others are co-parenting helpers. How will you welcome your co-parent’s new significant other into your co-parenting relationship for the benefit of your children? Think about your intention for your relationship with your co-parent’s significant other.
Now that you've thought about how you'd answer these questions, are you wondering what the next step is? If so, I'd love to help you as you start that process!
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